All the Single Ladies

You have all heard of the friend-zone, the bro-zone, and my personal favorite, the pet-zone. But not everybody understands the different levels of horror these zones occupy, and what they each represent. As the numbers descend, so do your chances to ever find happiness with this man. Scrolling down the page is scrolling into Hell. So today, for your pleasure and enlightenment, I bring you:

The Zones - Fully Explained

1. No Zone: You have a range of opportunity to ingratiate yourself into his heart. He looks at you to admire, and there's nothing from him to hold you back. Congratulations, you're in a mythical land of bliss and newly-formed, un-shattered dreams.
2. The Friend-Zone: He does not regard your romantically at this point, but he does care for you in a platonic way, and he feels that there is room for you in his future. As a friend. But at least you might have a chance to change that later.
3. The Sister-Zone: He regards you tenderly, but in a younger sister, protective kind of way. And, like a real brother might, he finds the idea of a relationship with you, his mind-sister, slightly repugnant. Arguably better than friend-zone due to his tender feelings for you.
4. The Pet-Zone: I once heard a conversation that summed it up, "No, ____, I can't make out with you because it would be like making out with my dog." If you are in the pet-zone, you are regarded as a nice distracting thing. The person who pet-zones you realizes that, like a dog, you are enthusiastically in love with them and will always be there the moment they call. But they only want you when you can be useful to them. Be the dog who runs away to a better home.
5. The Bro-Zone: It's also known as the pit of Hell, ninth circle. In the bro-zone, your gender is literally irrelevant. You entertain him. You're good for a laugh or a conversation, but he ACTUALLY DOESN'T NOTICE/CARE that you're a woman. How do you claw your way out of the bro-zone? You don't. You languish in miserable agony forever as the man you love constantly treats you like "one of the guys" or even as just an androgynous semi-human gender-less THING. Bless you. I am sorry you find yourself here, because nobody deserves this. If it's any comfort, eventually you'll die and you won't have feelings for him and you won't be in the bro-zone. Presumably, anyway.

I hope I've adequately explained the zones to you. Please feel free to comment with any questions/thoughts/corrections.