The Worst EVER

DATING IS
THE WORST. EVER. 

I mean it, man. It's super rough. I've been rejected for jobs, I've missed out on roles I wanted to play, I've been passed over for solos, but nothing shatters confidence like playing the dating game. Why do I hate it so much? For three main reasons.

1. NATURAL REACTIONS ARE FROWNED UPON:
   You hear it all the time. "Don't double text. Keep it casual. Don't seem too interested." Romantic feelings have become a shameful secret that should never see the light of day - much like mullets or split-pea soup. Artificiality and insincerity are the currency of today's dating pool. And unfortunately, all of this leads to a much more damaging bigger picture: crafting the ideal image to display to your date/partner/whoever has become a more important goal than to actually become a good person. Figuring out just what to wear, what to say, how to draw somebody in without letting on that you're doing it is consuming all of our time and energy! Fearing to appear "desperate," or "clingy," keeps us hiding behind layer upon layer of hesitation and lies.
   
2. EVERYTHING TAKES FOREVERIf I follow all the rules, I could wait for years to even know if the other party returns my interest. Seriously, I have to wait for him to text me first. I have to wait until he texts back before getting to my next thought in the conversation. I have to wait several days after we "hang out" (which, by the way, what even IS that? WHAT DOES IT MEAN??!!) before I tell him I want to hang out again. I have to wait a good, long, indeterminate (but surely lengthy) time before I can even APPROACH the subject of dating exclusively. Meanwhile all this time is being wasted and MY EGGS ARE DYING.
   
3. DATING AFFECTS SELF-WORTH MORE THAN IT SHOULD
   So he hasn't texted in a while. Or he said he didn't want to see me again. Or we broke off a longtime relationship. There are a ton of things that make us feel rejected and unwanted; and all too often we take it to heart. Often I end up asking myself why a man wouldn't want me - am I not beautiful enough? Does my personality fail to engage him? Did I do something wrong? It almost seems like popularity in the dating field is an accurate guage for your worth, but it is not. Being single is not the same as being worthless. But even though I see the value of others, it's hard to see it in myself. I often feel inadequate based on the fact that I'm single. It's so frustrating to see other people (men and women alike!) who fail to see how wonderful they are because their vision is clouded by the insecurity of being single - but then I turn around and blame my own faults, real or imaginary, for my lackluster love life. But I and all others have worth, immeasurable by scales as irrelevant as how many dates we've been on recently. 

What's really tough for me is that I have NO IDEA how to change any of this. In the end, all I can do is complain and try again tomorrow. But if you have any ideas, let me know. Because I need help. I really do. 

*If you liked this post, and want to read a similar rant (albeit with a better narrative voice and expanded points,) check out http://thoughtcatalog.com/melissa-moeller/2016/04/why-modern-dating-makes-me-want-to-punch-myself-in-the-throat/. Careful, though, there's some hardcore language. 

For Alex, with Love

On a two-hour drive from her home to mine, my sister-in-law and I were talking; about everything, really. Clashing personalities. Lessons learned from broken hearts. Vitamin supplements. Diapers. All sorts of things. And one important thing came up that I'd like to share with you.

Despite the obvious and notable exceptions you see in the news, the general truth is that families love each other. They wish for each other to succeed, to find love, to be happy. This constant love and support (with occasional aggravation, just to keep things lively,) can be a source of self-confidence. To know that you are loved, completely and constantly, builds a sense of self-worth. 

Now think of your friends. If they, too, have your best interests at heart, and are constant sources of love, then so much greater is the flow of self-worth from those you love. 

Here's where it gets dicey: romantic love. This person has CHOSEN YOU. Wowie! This is better than your family - their love is genetically inherited. This is better than your friends - they chose you too, but there's a limit to their affection, right? But this new S.O. of yours chose to love ALL OF YOUUUUU. They love you for your mind, for your looks, for your actions, for (insert qualities here.) Obviously, this is the greatest cache of self-love you've ever found!

Sarcastic tone aside, that's all true. A partner who loves you wholly and completely can greatly aid your journey to self-love. However, great danger lies in depending on their input in order to love yourself. Because, and I'm sorry to break it to you, but some relationships end. And if that's your only source of confidence, then your happiness ends with it. 

We've all seen this happen. It's an easy trap to fall into. And the best we can do for ourselves is to learn to love ourselves independently, leaning on friends, family, and partners for support when we need a little extra. 

Oh, and remember to be there for others. They are on a journey much like yours, and need your help finding a way to accept themselves.