The Worst EVER

DATING IS
THE WORST. EVER. 

I mean it, man. It's super rough. I've been rejected for jobs, I've missed out on roles I wanted to play, I've been passed over for solos, but nothing shatters confidence like playing the dating game. Why do I hate it so much? For three main reasons.

1. NATURAL REACTIONS ARE FROWNED UPON:
   You hear it all the time. "Don't double text. Keep it casual. Don't seem too interested." Romantic feelings have become a shameful secret that should never see the light of day - much like mullets or split-pea soup. Artificiality and insincerity are the currency of today's dating pool. And unfortunately, all of this leads to a much more damaging bigger picture: crafting the ideal image to display to your date/partner/whoever has become a more important goal than to actually become a good person. Figuring out just what to wear, what to say, how to draw somebody in without letting on that you're doing it is consuming all of our time and energy! Fearing to appear "desperate," or "clingy," keeps us hiding behind layer upon layer of hesitation and lies.
   
2. EVERYTHING TAKES FOREVERIf I follow all the rules, I could wait for years to even know if the other party returns my interest. Seriously, I have to wait for him to text me first. I have to wait until he texts back before getting to my next thought in the conversation. I have to wait several days after we "hang out" (which, by the way, what even IS that? WHAT DOES IT MEAN??!!) before I tell him I want to hang out again. I have to wait a good, long, indeterminate (but surely lengthy) time before I can even APPROACH the subject of dating exclusively. Meanwhile all this time is being wasted and MY EGGS ARE DYING.
   
3. DATING AFFECTS SELF-WORTH MORE THAN IT SHOULD
   So he hasn't texted in a while. Or he said he didn't want to see me again. Or we broke off a longtime relationship. There are a ton of things that make us feel rejected and unwanted; and all too often we take it to heart. Often I end up asking myself why a man wouldn't want me - am I not beautiful enough? Does my personality fail to engage him? Did I do something wrong? It almost seems like popularity in the dating field is an accurate guage for your worth, but it is not. Being single is not the same as being worthless. But even though I see the value of others, it's hard to see it in myself. I often feel inadequate based on the fact that I'm single. It's so frustrating to see other people (men and women alike!) who fail to see how wonderful they are because their vision is clouded by the insecurity of being single - but then I turn around and blame my own faults, real or imaginary, for my lackluster love life. But I and all others have worth, immeasurable by scales as irrelevant as how many dates we've been on recently. 

What's really tough for me is that I have NO IDEA how to change any of this. In the end, all I can do is complain and try again tomorrow. But if you have any ideas, let me know. Because I need help. I really do. 

*If you liked this post, and want to read a similar rant (albeit with a better narrative voice and expanded points,) check out http://thoughtcatalog.com/melissa-moeller/2016/04/why-modern-dating-makes-me-want-to-punch-myself-in-the-throat/. Careful, though, there's some hardcore language. 

For Alex, with Love

On a two-hour drive from her home to mine, my sister-in-law and I were talking; about everything, really. Clashing personalities. Lessons learned from broken hearts. Vitamin supplements. Diapers. All sorts of things. And one important thing came up that I'd like to share with you.

Despite the obvious and notable exceptions you see in the news, the general truth is that families love each other. They wish for each other to succeed, to find love, to be happy. This constant love and support (with occasional aggravation, just to keep things lively,) can be a source of self-confidence. To know that you are loved, completely and constantly, builds a sense of self-worth. 

Now think of your friends. If they, too, have your best interests at heart, and are constant sources of love, then so much greater is the flow of self-worth from those you love. 

Here's where it gets dicey: romantic love. This person has CHOSEN YOU. Wowie! This is better than your family - their love is genetically inherited. This is better than your friends - they chose you too, but there's a limit to their affection, right? But this new S.O. of yours chose to love ALL OF YOUUUUU. They love you for your mind, for your looks, for your actions, for (insert qualities here.) Obviously, this is the greatest cache of self-love you've ever found!

Sarcastic tone aside, that's all true. A partner who loves you wholly and completely can greatly aid your journey to self-love. However, great danger lies in depending on their input in order to love yourself. Because, and I'm sorry to break it to you, but some relationships end. And if that's your only source of confidence, then your happiness ends with it. 

We've all seen this happen. It's an easy trap to fall into. And the best we can do for ourselves is to learn to love ourselves independently, leaning on friends, family, and partners for support when we need a little extra. 

Oh, and remember to be there for others. They are on a journey much like yours, and need your help finding a way to accept themselves. 

100%

"People think a relationship makes you whole. That it's two 50%'s coming together to make 100%, when it should be two 100%'s coming together to make 200%."

- Jaden Smith

Guys, Disney lied to us. And apparently it takes something as backwards as Jaden Smith's twitter to see the truth. WE ARE COMPLETE PEOPLE. 

We aren't puzzle pieces, waiting to find a piece that interlocks with ours to form the big picture. We ARE the big picture. We are whole, we are important, we can exist independent of another person.

Despite what we're shown from a very young age (via Disney Princesses, romantic comedy heroines who are only happy when a man comes along, or through the covers of magazines we see when we're just out trying to buy some cheese,) we can be happy, we can function, we can continue our lives just fine. And when our "prince" comes along, that will be great. But because we have somebody to share our ALREADY FUNCTIONING life with, not because we expect them to fix it. 

How unfair is that, to expect our significant other to come along and fix all our problems? They probably have their own to sort out, let alone having yours too.

Basically, you matter. So love yourself, because you deserve to be treated well, most especially by you.

Banning Books

Approximately a year ago, I started reading "Catcher in the Rye" for my AP Literature class. I wish I'd read it earlier. Ninth grade. Eighth. I wish I had known all along that good kids can get swept along in a current of confusion and still come out on the other side as good people, but perhaps no longer as innocent and unaware. I wish I had known that doing poorly in school doesn't make you worthless. I wish I had known that mental illness (such as the depression I struggled with all through middle school and high school) doesn't have to be all-consuming, and you CAN make it out okay. I learned these things from "Catcher in the Rye," which is not assigned in Utah schools. I only got to read it because of the freedom which was allowed my AP Lit teacher. I wouldn't have learned these things about myself and the world I live in if I hadn't read that book under his guidance.

One has to ask, then, if it has such valuable lessons why was it ever banned, especially from the age group that most severely needs it? Because of the "F word." It says it a handful of times (seven, by my count) at the end of the book. But guess what? I knew that word when I was TEN YEARS OLD. People in my elementary school were saying it to look cool or fearless, and I have never stopped hearing it since. Banning books does not protect children. It keeps them from learning different perspectives. Again: BANNING BOOKS DOES NOT PROTECT CHILDREN, IT KEEPS THEM FROM LEARNING DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES.

Thanks.

For a list of the most current commonly banned books, and more information about the banning of books, visit http://www.ala.org/bbooks/frequentlychallengedbooks

Chronicles of Immense Crimes

When I was 9 I was diagnosed with Type I diabetes. This was caused by an overactive immune system which killed the beta cells in my pancreas. No, I wasn't over-eating. I was an 80 pound, 5' 4" nine-year-old girl. I was simply very unlucky. And yet, Getting diabetes was an immense crime! I was cursed with the stigmas of the disease- only morbidly obese or old people get diabetes. And kids in the 3rd grade don't know that it's not contagious so they wouldn't play with me. I was punished for this crime against humanity, and I carry the punishment to this day.

When I was 13, the part of puberty where your body shape changes hit me. It came earlier for me than it did for my classmates, and I became curvy where the other girls of my grade were still flat. Hitting puberty was an immense crime! Girls accused me of stuffing my bra, mistook newly sprung female curves for fat and called me names. Out of jealousy or ignorance or plain spite, these girls punished me heavily for my crimes. I still bear the insecurities that these girls awoke in me.

In high school, I made the mistake one day of telling a male friend that I was having terrible cramps from my period. Admitting to having a normal, fully-functioning reproductive system was an immense crime! He told me I was disgusting and that he wouldn't speak to me until I was "off the rag."

I just shared some real stories about times when I didn't do anything wrong, but I was punished for the sin of existing in this body. These were traumatic, and the pain stays with me even though I know now that I didn't do anything wrong or shameful.

AND DESPITE MY SELF-PITYING TONE SO FAR, THERE'S MORE TO THIS POST THAN WOEBEGONE WHINING.

I've paid the price for my "crimes," but maybe others are about to come before your judgment bar. We all hold, perhaps unknowingly, the position of judge, jury, and executioner. Before we sentence a person to pay for their crimes, we should be sure that they have actually done something wrong. Some of the things we most commonly regard as flaws, faults, and follies are really genetics, or nature, or the way people were brought up. And nobody deserves to pay for a crime they didn't commit.

Little Tip

Hey there, class of 2016. How ya doin? I've been doing well since I graduated. Hope you're doing well too.

In an effort to enrich your last year of high school, I have a couple of tips for you! (Because I know how anxious 17-year-olds are to be bossed around by someone barely older than you.) But really, these are things I wish I had been told when I was starting my senior year, so pay attention.

1. Learn to just say "Yes." This is a glorious thing, being packed into one building with all the people your age. Your cup of opportunity floweth over. Take opportunities as they come to you. Do things you don't think you like or aren't sure you are capable of doing. And don't ever be afraid to waste your own time.  It's better than wasting an opportunity.
   
2. THE ONLY NUMBERS THAT MATTER IN YOUR FUTURE ARE YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY AND YOUR DEBIT CARD PIN. You know how many future employers are going to ask about your 4.0? (Zero. The answer is zero.) While it's important to invest time and effort into studying so that you will be better prepared to be a citizen of the world, your education will be more effective if you worry about your mind rather than your grades. It's a subtle difference. But here's an example: are you taking that AP class because you want to pursue a higher level of learning, or are you taking that AP class because a counselor told you it would "look better" on transcripts or applications?
   
3. Smile. The hype is true: it changes entire days. You'll get a reputation for being happy and kind, and others will feel important and worthwhile. Seriously. Smile.
   
4. Smell good. Always. People are 144949530% more likely to enjoy your company if you have carefully prepared your odor to be pleasant. Also, good smells lead to snuggles. It's scientifically proven.
   
5. Work hard, play hard, love hard, let them down gently.
   
6. Oh my gosh, please apply. Apply to colleges. Apply for literally every scholarship that could possibly include you. And then enjoy the present, once you've made provisions for your future.
   
7. And finally, when the year ends, DON'T BURN BRIDGES. It seems so inviting, the chance to say all the venomous things you've been concealing in your heart, maybe since your sand-munching preschool days. BUT DON'T DO IT. Keep it classy, and part in peace. Then you win.

Elizabeth B

If you haven't read Pride and Prejudice (or at least watched one of the 3 million movies based on it,) here's the scoop: Elizabeth Bennet, a lovely, smart, clever, funny, independent woman, grows up in Georgian England's version of the middle class. Her mom tries to marry her off to a relation in order to save the family estate, and she refuses because she wants to marry for love. A gorgeous, unbelievably rich man asks her to marry her, and she also turns him down, because he doesn't fit her standards. She thinks he's too proud and vain, and he's also done some things she doesn't approve of. (He turns out to be amazing, though.)

Then there's the third dude. He's charming and funny and handsome and polite and soft-spoken and pretty much perfect.

And he's a con man.

Elizabeth, smart and independent Elizabeth, falls into the age-old trap. And that's why I love her, and why she's still one of the most beloved literary characters of all time. She is a good woman with intelligence and strength of character. She proves that you're not a stupid or bad person just because you make mistakes. Which is one of the most important things that any woman can learn about herself.

You have made mistakes. You will make mistakes. That's part of life. But as long as you never let your mistakes make you, you'll be okay.